This is a wonderful parenting article from an articulate expert geared to those raising toddlers …
What is the proper discipline for the child of three, four or five? As sushi is not a suitable food for infants, so also elaborate choices, appeals to reason, and threats of dire consequences are not appropriate techniques for guiding the behavior of very young children. What then are some components of appropriate discipline?
Rhythm
The first and best kind of discipline is simply rhythm and routine in our lives and in ourselves. Rhythm builds trust, certainty and security. It soothes and relaxes children in a world where so much is new. It creates order out of the chaos of impressions and discoveries that await them each day.
Rhythm strengthens a child’s will, bringing it from a chaotic state into one which is more conscious and directed. Anxiousness arises when children do not know what comes next, and this affects their ability to freely learn, explore and develop socially. It also affects the physiological development in situations where there is regular chaos because anxiety produces stress hormones that create adverse affects in the body.
A child who experiences strong daily rhythms and routines has less resistance to guidance. Even small things like waking children or greeting them after school in the same way each day provides the stability and consistency children need, especially during the times of turmoil or stress that occur in all our lives from time to time.
Authority
Parents today may be hesitant to stand as an authority figure to their children. They want to honor their child’s individuality and want them to feel free. But freedom can be a heavy burden for a young child. The child needs adults to stand with clarity and firmness infused with warmth; to provide boundaries is to provide a sense of security in which a child can relax and go about the job of exploring and learning socially, emotionally, and intellectually.
The reluctance to assume authority can be seen in unconscious speech habits such as the insidious word, “Okay?” Parents who use this word often do not really mean, “We will do this if you want,” but “Okay?” does imply choice. Then, when the child chooses “no,” frustration and anger often develop. How much better to state clearly, “Now it is time for dinner”or “You may put on your coat” or “Feet stay on the floor.”
Long explanations are also ineffective and even harmful to young children who lack an adult sense of time or the intellectual capacity to use reason and logic. Simple, clear statements work well when trying to influence behavior. “We eat at the table.. or .The table is not strong enough for jumping and standing. You may climb on the pillows stacked in the living room or the climber outside.” Answering “why” questions creatively and imaginatively rather than with intellectual detail is very effective and can be a fun way to diminish resistance and upsets.
Choices
Offering children vague or general choices– “What would you like for lunch?,” Or “Where would you like to go today?” – robs them of the certainty they need to trust in their parents, especially when the choice is really not a choice- “Time for bed, okay?” Young ones are not yet equipped to make many of the decisions we offer them and it disturbs their free discovery of the world. Yet children need to feel a sense of power and choice. Create specific, appropriate and innocuous options when you notice your child is asking for it. Offer the choice of a blue or red sweater as opposed to a blanket question of “What do you want to wear today?”
The foundation of a free-thinking adult is laid in the unstructured discovery and imaginative play of children. During this time, children begin to make sense of the world and feel a sense of control. A child who does not play enough or who has too much structured time will feel and act frustrated. An over-structured life is one of the major causes of stress exhibited in children today.
Our Inner Selves
Lastly and most importantly, the inner state of every parent affects his or her children. A child can sense when his mother or father is tense, relaxed, happy, angry, or fearful. The more self-discipline and equilibrium parents can achieve through taking care of their own needs for rest, nutrition, solitude and relationship, the more relaxed and nurturing they will be with their children. For children to be joyful, willing workers, their parents need to model daily tasks with joy and willingness. The capacity to perform the daily, repetitive tasks of life and to provide for the demanding needs of their children requires every parent to meet his or her own needs.
Other components to guiding children in healthy, appropriate ways include listening, empathy, appropriate consequences, and environment.
More important than being perfect parents is striving to do the right thing, to parent consciously. Children forgive and are resilient because they understand their parents act out of love, and when parents act out of love their children will lead them down a path of inner change and growth.
